Taking Zaraki Kenpachi Out To See A Movie
by Sheo Darren
Summary: ...is obviously not as easy as it sounds. Especially if you're one Kurosaki Ichigo. Humor fic. Enjoy.


**Taking Zaraki Kenpachi Out To See A Movie**

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. Which sucks. I want Tatsuki!

**When Desiring To Talk To Zaraki Kenpachi, First Tell Him Face To Face**

**  
**"Hey! Kenpachi!"

"Ichigo! Let's fight!"

"Is that **all** you can think of?"

"Yeah, that's about it."

"You are **so** single-minded…"

"Thanks, boy. Now: draw your sword!"

"Wait! I didn't come to fight you!"

"Too bad; **I** did."

"I was going to take you out–"

"Excellent! We think alike!"

"Huh? No, wait! That's not what I meant!"

"Die!"

**  
****If Rebuffed, Use A Middleman (Or, In This Case, A Middlewoman)**

**  
**"Kenpachi-san!"

"Huh? Oh, it's you, Boobies…"

"Haii! That's me, all right!"

"…" … _Ditz… Not that I __**mind**__ her __**boobs**__… Heh. Ditz, Mind: did I just make a pun?_ "So, what brings you here to good ole moi?"

"Kurosaki-kun sent me here–"

"To fight for him? Feh. He's turning into a coward. Like that bastard Mayuri who got his ass handed to him by a Quincy..."

"Oh, no, no, it's not like that. He doesn't want to fight you…"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about!"

"He just wants to talk…"

"Talk? Talking was all Aizen did. What a pansy."

"No! Really! He just wants to talk to you!"

"…Fine. Tell him to meet me in front of that runaway Urahara's shop later this afternoon."

"Okay! Ah, Kenpachi-san? I'm really curious. What's your relationship with Kurosaki-kun?"

"Ah! That! It's easy! I want to take Ichigo out, and he wants to do likewise!"

"… Ah! Okay…" _Are Kenpachi-san and Kurosaki-kun gay?_

**  
****Try Telling Him Face To Face… Again… This Time Knowing He's A Psychotic Maniac War Freak Armed With A Spirit Sword And A Penchant For Misunderstanding Your Words**

**  
**"… ah, Kenpachi…"

"Don't worry, Ichigo. I got your message. So, what do you want to talk to me about?"

"As I was saying before you attacked me, I wanted to take you out–"

"Hah! That's it! Draw your sword"

"Wait! I thought we agreed to talk!"

"You broke our truce first! Take me out, eh? Fighting words!"

"…What?"

"Your fake innocence won't fool me! I knew Aizen for the fraud he was long before anyone else in Seireitei did. You won't fool me, either!"

"Kenpachi, you crazy-"

**  
****Resort To Another Middlewoman, Since The First One Was A Bust (In More Ways Than One)**

**  
**"Zaraki-taichou."

"Huh? Oh. It's you, Rukia. Let me guess. Ichigo sent you. He wants you to tell me he just wants to talk to me."

"Normally, I don't bother with this childish boorishness. However, since Ichigo is a good friend of mine despite his regular lapses of obstinacy and idiocy–"

"Just admit you have the hots for him."

"…**Excuse** me?"

"You heard what I said. Just tell him you **want** him to **fuck** you."

"**WHAT DID YOU SAY?"**

"Oh, I'm sure he wants to, too. After all, he **had** to have a **good** reason for invading Seireitei to rescue **your** ass in the first place. And what better reason that **tapping** your juicy**ass**? Because your **chest** sure **ain't** a reason…"

"…**That** is the most absolutely disgusting piece of **trash** I have ever heard coming from your **filthy** mouth! Taichou, **Sir**."

"Heh, heh. You're such a stick-up, Rukia. Even more so than your **brother**– and everyone knows what a stick-up **Byakuya** is, still crying over his **dead** wife and all…"

"… I don't even know why I bother with you…"

"I love you, too, doll."

**  
****Use A Male Friend Instead Of Your Female Friends, Because You're Frankly Running Out Of Female Friends, And You Don't Want To Risk Your Childhood Best Friend Crossing Paths With The Likes of THIS Guy**

**  
**"…"

"What?"

"…"

"Talk again?"

"…"

"Heh. Wanna fight?"

"…"

"No? Oh, well. Sucks to be you."

"…"

"Yeah, I don't like you much, either…"

**  
****Use A Not-So-Friend, Since You Are Running Out Of Friends, Period**

**  
**"Hey, ain't you that Quincy who whupped that bastard Mayuri's ass back in Seireitei?"

"Yes…"

"Good! Let me see how strong you are!"

"Wait! I just came to deliver a message!"

"Huh? Again?"

"..Again?"

"Yeah. Ichigo sent you?"

"Yes…"

"What a sissy. First he sends that boobies girl, then his flat-chested supervisor…"

"Wait! Ichigo sent **Orihime** to **you**?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"…I'm going to **kill** him…"

"Get in line."

**  
****When All Else Fails, Send Tatsuki To Do The Job- And Brace Yourself For World War III**

**  
**"Hey! You! The big guy with the eye patch and the spiky hair with bells on it!"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. Are you Zaraki Kenpachi?"

"The one and only. What's your name, sweet thang?"

"Arisawa Tatsuki– and don't call me 'sweet thang', buster, or I'll kick your ass seven ways to Sunday."

"I'd like to see you try, little girl."

"You asked for it! Hii-yaahhh!"

**  
****AFTER World War III…**

**  
**"Feh… you're strong for a human who's still alive…"

"Are you going to listen to me, or do I have to beat you up some more?"

"Either choice appeals to me."

"Very funny. Ichigo told me to tell you he wanted to ask you if you wanted to go with him to have fun that doesn't involve real violence."

"Heh? That's it?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"All this time, he kept prattling about wanting to **take me out**."

"He wanted to take you out **to see a movie**."

"Oh. Oh. I gotta fix my Japanese."

"I know a good language teacher."

"Hmmm... Tatsuki, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship…"

**  
****Now That Your Best Friend Has Cleared The Air For You**

**  
**"Ichigo! I hear you want to bring me to see a movie."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you all this time…"

"You'll have to pardon an old geezer whose Japanese hails back to Edo. So, what exactly **is** a **movie**?"

"…"

**  
****After Explaining The Wonders Of Modern Day Technology To An "Old Geezer" Who Could Kick Your Ass Any Time Of The Day**

**  
**"Oh. Oh. Moving pictures with sound. That sounds impressive."

"You mean cool."

"… yeah, thereabouts. So, what's this movie called?"

"300."

**  
FIN!!!**

**  
Or Not– For There Be A Sequel In The Making!**

**Wait For It!**


End file.
